I can’t believe the holidays are nearly here. It’s a weird holiday for me because it’s my last “at home”. Next year I’ll be married. I’ll have a new name. I’ll be living somewhere else. It’s going to be different.
Rudy and I went shopping for my parents’ Christmas tree. They weren’t able to go and we had the afternoon free. I love shopping for the tree so I jumped at the opportunity. Rudy had a fake tree growing up and actually had never gone Christmas tree shopping before so it was an interesting experience for him. We had a great time. I think it was a good transition for me because at one point he made the comment that next year we’ll be shopping for our own tree. I think it started to hit me how much is going to change over the next year.
Last year stunk around this time. But things changed. A lot. I used to hate change. In some ways, I still do. However, I’m not as scared of the change on the horizon. It’s going to be different for sure. I’m confident this time that I’m going to make it to the other side and things will be better. I made it through worse, and I’m still here, still going strong.
The marriage thing is a big step. It’s huge and it’s going to be a radical change. I’m very lucky I met the right person for me. I’m marrying my best friend and a great partner. Together, we’re going to do amazing things and I’m excited to start that journey together. We’ve been planning our wedding, but we’ve also been planning our marriage. I have some great examples (and some not so great) of marriage in my life and I hope Rudy and I can be like that too.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole name change thing. Rudy and I have talked about it because it was important to me that he understand why it’s hard for me to change my name and why I’ve decided to do it. And I also want him to be prepared in case I change my mind. So we’ve discussed it. But ultimately, I don’t have a strong connection to my current last name. I’ve always felt like a fraud with that name. It’s never quite fit and I don’t match my own name. The funny thing is, names are an issue in my natural family as well so I wouldn’t have escaped it had I not been adopted. Part of me is glad to shed the “fake” last name that I’ve never felt really belonged and take on a new last name, one that I chose to take this time. We’ll see how that one works out.
I’m excited to move out of my parents’ house. I don’t think anyone is surprised to read that. I need my own space independent of my family. I need to feel like I’m an adult and I don’t at home based on the way I’m treated. I have recently started standing up for myself more and it’s not going well. However, each day brings me closer to the time when I can move on and move out. Only a few months left!
So loads of change. I’m just trying to take everything one day at a time.